1 post tagged “horoscopes”

Who would've known I fall into the Brilliant Booty Call category??
[she]

::  ARIES  ::

    Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes
don't know when to call it a night. Their
competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time
shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they
get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting
Aries people drunk is a good way to get what you want out of them,
should other methods fail.  Aries can become bellicose when
blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened
should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise.
They can be counted on to do the same for you --
so long as you haven't gone and done anything really
horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

::  TAURUS  ::

    Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace,
aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk.
Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person
stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate
who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart
jokes to employers, the preference for wining and
dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and
barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us.
    This is not to say that the Bull is by any means a
teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er,
gregarious (full of loudmouth soup,some would say) and
is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when
intoxicated.

::  GEMINI  ::

    Geminis can drink without changing their behavior
much -- they're so naturally chatty and
short-attention-spanned that it's just hard to tell
sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an
extremely advanced state of intoxication, like
puking in your shoe. Geminis possess the magic ability
to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly,which is
very tricky) with several people at once. They like to
order different cocktails every round -- repetition
is boring--and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:
beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own
amusement.

::  CANCER  ::

    Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine
with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be
extra comforting,can't it, Cancer darling? Like fellow
water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard
against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting
out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists --
and, in true Hollywood style,Cancers are never really
drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional" (read:
weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better
than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of
inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your
second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules
the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served
up a vanilla vodka and soda.

::  LEO  ::

    Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often
fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers
as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning
kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're
darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally
know their limit, probably because they loathe
losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,
expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the
one that brought them. But Leo's not the type to break
rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try
harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over)
Lion to make it up to you the next day.

::  VIRGO  ::

    Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto
their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity
could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure --
but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to
sucking down organic wine or just to brand
loyalty.
    They rarely get fully shellacked-- but, oh, when
they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect, but
there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they
let it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and
surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to
declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level
of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

::  LIBRA  ::

    "I'm jusht a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's
jusht that I'm so damn social?" Libra loves nothing
more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone.
Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the
Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when
bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as
they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in
self-control, however, which can get them into all
sorts of trouble -- including wearing their wobbly
boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting
with their best friend's beau or even blacking out
the night's events entirely. Oops!
 

::  SCORPIO  ::

    Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for
they'll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally
keep tippling till they're hog-whimpering drunk, out
of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw
you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see
the sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as
a personality-altering tool -- though if depressed,
self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But
generally, they're fascinating drinking pals,
brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts.
    They also remember everything -- especially \what
you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a
scorpio who likes you.

::  SAGITTARIUS  ::

    In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:
When buttered, they'll spill all your
secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside,
Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This
is a sign of serious partying (what else would you
expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the
Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They're the people
who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the
entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a
nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good- natured
hijinks are sure to ensue(including a high
possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a
brilliant booty call).

 
::  CAPRICORN  ::

    Capricorn is usually described as
practical, steadfast, money-hungry and
status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the
astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign
of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis.
    Capricorn is the true rock star: independent,
powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager
to please. And if they make money being
themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most
rock stars, they're either totally on or totally off,
and they generally need a little social lubricant to
loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can
hook up with a cute groupie.

::  AQUARIUS  ::

    Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate
tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an
idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stain
or a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing
an outing, however,they're too preoccupied with
their duties to get combative -- and they make
perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately,
they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the
best designated drivers (if you can get them before
they start raising their wrist): Aquarius is
fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding
interesting conversations with soused strangers while
sober.

::  PISCES  ::

    If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard
that you share a sign and an addictive personality
-- with Liz Taylor, Liza Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not
only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy,
out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but
they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an
expensive date like that? On the other hand, they're
fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start
out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in
bed together for days. The phrase "addictive
personality" can be read two ways, you know.